a new dental program... of sorts

Today the dentist tried to sell me the smile I've always wanted. Perfect superstar teeth. Straight, even, and so white they might glow in the dark like Ross's. The hygienist called them "porcelain."

Now, I generally have amusing interactions with dentists--the Bolivian dentist who told me I had a jumping cavity disease, my family dentist who sent me home with theology books and orders to schedule a "book appointment," as cases in point. This one ranks up there with one of the best worst things a dentist could do. Point out my flaws.

I haven't been to a dentist since I moved to Pittsburgh. I was certain that I would have cavities, so I'd been putting it off. But today the dentist said that my teeth were boring, and in lieu of some of the other experiences I had had, I thought that his dental appointment was too... until they tried to sell me a new smile.

Here's how it works: the hygienist sits down next to you with a pamphlet. "We're starting a new program," she says. "This is your smile today--" she opens the pamphlet to reveal a picture of me and my smile that she took twenty minutes before. "And this," she flips it open even more, "could be your smile tomorrow."

It's the same smile. A little whiter. Not straighter. Just there.

"All those things that have always annoyed you about your smile, you can get rid of," she says. Nothing has ever annoyed me about my smile, I think.

"So the two major changes that I see in your smile are that these canines are uneven, and they could be evened out. And the teeny gap between your two front teeth would be filled in."

WHAT?! Not only are you trying to sell me a new smile, but you're also going to tell me what's wrong with the one I have??? I never knew my "canines were uneven." And if you think that's a gap, I wish you could have see the gap I had before braces--you could fit a center tooth in that gap. (And after I found out that the gap between the two front teeth was a sexy thing somewhere in Africa, I almost regretted having braces.)

So I ask, "Is the purpose of this cosmetic?"

"For you," she says, "it would be. For other people whose teeth are decaying, it helps to protect their teeth. We're running a special right now." She quotes an outrageous price.

Sorry. Your "new program" is not my style of cosmetic, and now I know what is wrong with my smile. Wow. Wow wow wow. As if I weren't self-conscious enough before.

Are all dentists doing this?